The Odd One Out.

my coffee breath

i think i have forgotten how to write. and i hate it. its been.. quite a while, since i last wrote. some because i didnt have the time to; some because i seem to have lost my words. i fear me losing my words could possibly mean something more; i wouldnt allow myself to think what it might mean. i look outside and the trees are still. i wish they would move like they did last night. at least then the trees were fearlessly alive in the wind; mayb they'd breathe for me for a change.

i am in melbourne again. sometimes i want to leave. some days it gets a lot harder; some a lot easier. nobody said it was going to be easy. the harder thing to do is usually also the right thing.

i am way past being upset. i am angry, but i dont know what to take it out on. i dont want to take it out on anyone, so i do it to myself. i stab at my ear until it bleeds on the inside. i pick at my nails until they bleed under the skin. i drink so much coffee until it makes me sick. i drink so much wine until it hurts everything i have on the inside, then outside. and you know what, i dont care. if i was any angrier, i might stab myself. i'm starting to understand why the cutters do it. i may be the one making myself deaf. and you know what, i dont care.

people stare a lot here. most days i dont see it, because i dont want to see it. some days.. it eats at you. it makes you feel empty and the feeling of empty engulfs you. so you sit around feeling empty and being empty all day. then you think you can fill yourself up if and when you drink yourself silly. do whatever you want to. spend the whole night out. walk aimlessly. cut. sing. pray. drugs. sleep around. drink. smoke. vomit. hide. write. talk. cry. eat. piss. run. yell. walk away. scream. sleep. nothing works. not really. you wake up feeling the same empty, but you are still too angry to care anyway. today i will do whatever i want to do. i cannot remember if they had stared like they do. mayb its just me. i think its just me.

i am in melbourne again. sometimes i dont want to leave. but hey, what can you do. 'c'mon, c'mon', he says. as if that will help with anything. i'd rather nobody says anything. or does anything. do what you like. do what you must do to find yourself.

i have been up since 6am. thats 4 in singapore. i wonder what people are doing. i wonder if i was in sg would i have slept better. this is a whole bunch of rant even i dont get. sometimes i welcome the stares. makes me feel important. weird important. told you nothing you do will make you feel any less empty. let it go. take it back. and you know what, i dont care. do what you like. do what you must do. today i will do whatever i want to do. spend the whole night out. walk aimlessly. cut. sing. pray. drugs. sleep around. drink. smoke. vomit. hide. write. talk. cry. eat. piss. run. yell. walk away. scream. sleep. the coffee has left a bad taste in my mouth. i will not brush my teeth. my coffee breath. walk aimlessly. stare. do not... ... just dont. stop. please just stop.

... ... ...

even the rant has left me. i have lost my words again. things change. fast. in an instance. you sit down to dinner, and life as you know it ends. plant a seed over my grave, and i will become part of the tree that grows above me. i will live forever. the tree. the birds. i will be fearless. its not all about you. do what you want. do what you must do to find yourself. i wish i knew how to write a song. sing. then cry while you sing. play something. sing your heart out. scream. pull your hair. break something. punch someone. bite your tongue.

this is me walking away.

fact of the day: and you know what, i dont care.
song of the hour: fuck this.

posted by gerfrend @ 05:28