The Odd One Out.

my brave heart

i turned 26 3 days ago, or i think i'm 26. in the last 3 months i believe i have aged 10 years. maybe 20. so really, i am 36. i'm tired. i do my best to recall if i've ever been this tired before. some days i wake up and i wish i could sleep forever. hide. i just want to hide. that's sometimes anyway. cry. i just want to cry. that's sometimes anyway too. some days i wake up and i find the strength to go on. hold on. go on. move on. i'm tired. i want people to stop saying how lucky i was. i want people to hold my hand and hold me. i want people to hold me and say to me i'm glad you're still with us. i will nod. and i will smile. yes i bloody am.

every morning i whisper a little something to my brave heart. do your job. do it well enough. go on. keep on. keep me alive. i don't want to die. not yet. not yet. not yet.

you really don't think about dead die dying death until it comes. when i say die i mean the real kind. not the imaginary what if i wonder what it feels like kind. this is dead dead. drop dead. i almost dropped dead. people see that i have survived and they see my good fortune to have survived. they don't see the scars i carry. in my mind. in my heart. on my chest. they're heavy scars. i don't like them. they make me sad. they make me cry when i go to bed. they make him sad and it makes me sad that he's sad.

in the last 3 months i have somehow soldiered through 2 CT scans 3 IV lines 4 echos 5 xrays countless ECGs countless blood tests 1 cardioversion and a 10 hr open heart surgery. i rock. i fucking rock. i am still alive. sometimes i grin to myself bc if i didn't know me and told me this story i'd think i made this whole crazy story up. that's why i carry these scars. they are real. this is about the dead die dying death. i almost died and i came back. so i rock bc coming out of all of that i still think it's not a big deal. the big fucking deal is that i'm still here. yes i bloody am.

i whisper to my brave heart. keep on. not yet. not yet.

i think i have seen the other side. there is no light. there is darkness emptiness nothing-ness. there is just sleep. a sleep you don't know you're having. a sleep you don't know you can't wake up from. maybe that's why i have trouble sleeping now. or maybe it's just me keeping a ear out for my brave heart to make sure... ... i'm not sure what i can make sure my heart does, but i just listen to make sure anyway.

i think about how this is my life. this is going to be the rest of my life. some days i just don't want it. some days i just want to fall into this dark empty nothing sleep. some days i really wish that this is someone else's story. someone else's heart. i will go and hold this person and tell this person i'm glad you're still with us. we will cry together. we will be scared together.

most days i can't even look at myself in the mirror. i don't want to see. don't want to see. maybe if i can't see don't see it cannot have happened. can't be real. but i hear my brave heart in my ears i remember something's happened and i hear my heart whisper back to me. don't give up on me, it says. i will keep on, i will keep you alive. hold on. go on. move on. yes. i can move on. i still have years to live. i still have a life to live. i'm not halfway anywhere yet. i still have birthdays to have. i want to be really 46 and since i'm aged 20 yrs ahead when i turn 46 i will be halfway somewhere. i will be somewhere. i hope i will be happy and healthy then.

i will look forward to next year. hold on. go on. move on. that is all that i can do. some days i wake up and i am really tired of being scared. so i soldier on. i pat myself on my chest and i whisper to my brave heart. today's a new day. we will keep on. right now. everyday. we will try to live this day like it's the last day. i suppose that's the only thing i can make sure my heart does. i don't want us to be scared anymore. because... not yet. not yet. not yet.

fact of the day: i will need monthly blood tests for as long as i live.
song of the hour: better in time - leona lewis

posted by gerfrend @ 21:23