The Odd One Out.

my full disclosure

i am single again. i don't quite know what to do yet so i do the only thing i know how. i look for strangers to sleep with. old habits die hard they say; i say my old habits made me happy once so i don't see why it can't make me happy again. i am hurt. i am completely broken. i haven't felt broken like this before. he had abandoned me after my surgery because he got too scared too selfish to want to stand by me to want to take care of me. this is the man i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with. that same man who once told me i don't know just how much he loves me; that same man who's left me so suddenly. i cry everyday and i wish so hard for the day i will just stop crying. i don't quite know what to do yet so i believe i will do the only thing i know how. get laid.

i am back in singapore. back home, everyone says. i'm not sure what home is anymore. it'll take time, everyone says. nobody's saying it'll get a lot harder first before it gets any easier. i want to cry all the time from the time i wake up to the time i go to sleep. fuck. i'm bloody miserable and i know i am miserable like that but i cannot help it. i try so hard to build a wall but i am haunted by the ghosts of me and him everywhere i go. even if i don't go anywhere our ghosts still haunt me. i want all of this pain to stop. i think my 10 hour open heart surgery has softened me and my broken heart. either that or i am crying for my last 3 years because i had picked the wrong man.

i should have left him that first time round.

people say you don't choose who you love but i suppose you choose who you don't want to love. cut it off, like amputating a dead arm. pull it out, like ridding the cancer inside. break ups are cruel. i watched my mom cry when i told her about my break up. that broke my already broken heart. i watched my friends curse him when i told them about my break up. that broke my already broken heart more. i haven't cursed him myself and truth be told i'm not sure how to. i try not to think about him at all but that kills me. i try to think him a selfish coward but that kills me more. he is in my dreams every night and that is the only thing i curse at. my dreams. i think a person can only be broken into so many pieces before he or she just cannot break anymore. i think maybe it's time i start to feel numb.

i suppose everyone has some sort of part to play in one another's life. maybe his part was to save me and for that i am eternally grateful. i think if i hadn't met him i could very well be dead now. he had come into my life 3 years ago and we had come together not knowing that our coming together will eventually save my life. i think however as he was saving me his spirit was dying a little everyday. he's not the same man i met 3 years ago and he hasn't been that man for a while now. so i suppose my part in his life is to let him leave me so he can live a little still.

he thinks i hate him and i think i probably should. i don't hate him but despite that i cannot forgive him for leaving me so suddenly. i think i am so disappointed with the man i've chosen for myself so really i don't like myself much either. he's a good man; he's just not strong enough not big enough. i think my height and my age have always insidiously made him feel small and this was the straw that broke the camel's back although i cannot see how. i've always known he wasn't strong but i have always believed my love and my fierce loyalty would give him strength and my strength would rub off on him. i don't suppose it works like that. some people rise in adversity and some people sink. there is no rubbing off anything.

i think i may have picked a man i'd like to sleep with; i'm still working on it though. i chuckle to myself because i'm so out of touch it almost feels like my first time. it is my first in 3 years so i believe that counts as a first. i believe this is my self preservation. my self defense mechanism. my wall. i am so tired of crying and i think it's time i stop. since i'm no good at pretending i am ok to myself i will pretend for someone else. eventually it will carry through and i will be just fine. so i say hello to my wall and i say i've missed you so. my wall says i'm still a bit fragile a bit small and i say don't you worry i will build you up buttercup. now, i know that it cannot put me back together but i like to try and get back to those days anyway. it had made me feel young then. perhaps because i was indeed young. fuck it. i am still young. i just been fighting a war and i carry a few scars now. this is my full disclosure. i am broken but if you'll have my scars i will let you have me for one night. or 2. maybe 3 if we're lucky.

fact of the day: ...
song of the hour: i told you so - carrie underwood

posted by gerfrend @ 19:22