my comforting acceptance
felt an ache, a throbbing kind of pain, the kind that runs deep, the kind i felt shortly before i realised i needed surgery, down the side of my right chest all day yesterday. went to bed considering the possibility i might not wake from my sleep, and that consideration was strangely comforting. more on that in a bit.
clearly, woke up nonetheless, with no inkling of any aches or throbs. i'd very much like to think it merely a back spasm, the kind that runs deep into your back muscles, the kind you get from an awful sitting posture. should be getting that checked regardless. just to be sure.
a patient goes through a few things after he's been cut. fear, first and foremost, the almost crippling kind of fear. the doctor does his thing and saves your life but fails to warn you about the impending tsunami kind of crippling fear and obviously hasn't taught you nothing of it, so you're none the wiser. you, the patient, are in your post-op-i-am-alive bliss, until you are released back into the wild come discharge day. then you realise you are a born-again baby, except this time everyone expects you to grow up doubly fast. i once was so scared my old ticker would simply stop when i went for a baby stroll that i broke down in tears, by the road. now i wonder which part of the 5 stages fear fits into.
i believe this also evidently means i've reached the final stage: acceptance. not sure i went through all 5 stages after i found out about ailing old ticker. definitely denial. definitely anger, although it came out as hysterical giggles and tears, in part can be entirely blamed on the pot i was still smoking. i can be so mindlessly suicidal sometimes. bit of bargaining, maybe, trying to buy myself some time before the inevitable. not so much of depression, like to think i'm not one to succumb to depression easy. definitely acceptance. i am ok, if i don't get to wake up tomorrow. i will not be beaten by fear again. if you want me, come and claim me, death.
it'll be a year, to the day, come next month. i should buy my scar a cake.
song of the hour: my new philosophy - you're a good man, charlie brown
fact of the day: look doc, me bad patient!
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